this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
