i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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