you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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