theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
