My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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