i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
