I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
