can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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