Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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