Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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