why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
