I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize