I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
