I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
