He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
