we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
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he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
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too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.