If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?