I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
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Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.