There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
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I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
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If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."