this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
