the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
