I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
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Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
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Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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