No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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