Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
