The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
