They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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