pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
