just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
