woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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