who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
