update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
