New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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