There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
A bitchslap is in order.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
