I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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