we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
