didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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