The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
