Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
