The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
