my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
BRING THE BAGELS
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
