In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
