Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
