i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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