3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
foreskin is a definite game changer
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
