she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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