I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
