Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
