Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
no, he came in my armpit
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
