new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
