Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
