just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
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Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
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If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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