I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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