And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
