Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
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