i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
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She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
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Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
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