Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
