I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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