I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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