i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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