Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
