my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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