Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
if only i could text you this smell
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Randomize
