k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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