Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
