Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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