just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
